FORTUNA
9.10.19
if there is one thing i know
you brought summer to my heart the way he brings me spring
just how you love your winter
no one will ever be the four seasons
eventually
we spend too much time falling in the idea of this fullness
delusion detests the focus romance provides the veil for
we grew to think of it as some kind of magical home away from home
some lush forest filled with pies and almonds and puppies
none of whom were getting laid
we were stepping on land mines to this fantasy
some sick seesaw
where you want me – im hormones chastity belt
calling in monsoon season
your mouth between my legs
re-kindlings of lust long gone we are oatmeal skins you and i
we were magical
until lightning strikes
see, stab the body and it heals
stab the heart and it’ll beat the way a guitar sings by ripping off the strings
no longer electric in ecstasy
but how a dentists strikes a nerve
or scratching silveware on china
holding my hands over the ears of my heart to silence broken promises
or slicing reality – it keeps coming out poorly
and here it comes with conviction, almost panic.
mentally exonerating anyone who has kicked a chair out from beneath
if killing someone was on your bucket list
you can check it off a hundred times
feeding me one more drop of poison with each excuse
skinning me alive – putting on shapes for you body to fit into
theres no me to this skin left
there was foreshadowing to this – wearing my skin on your body
and yes, it was cheating. conscious, sober, knowing cheating.
fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating.
as if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand.
who came up with the term cheating, anyway?
a cheater i imagine.
someone who thought liar was too harsh.
someone who thought devastator was too emotional.
the same person who thought, oops, she’d gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
fuck you. this isnt about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of monopoly money.
these are our lives. our bodies. mine and yours and his.
you killed something
and you killed it when its back was turned