FORTUNA

12.19.19
maybe i was too harsh, calling you an abuser like that
words have weight – after all
heavier than breathlessness in my chest cavity that
empty spot you carved in my navel
dagger eyes digging for answers
you dont know the questions too
its dark in there, darker than this black lip
this bruised cheek
you wear as a trophy
so much so a little
gas-slighting
to shine your way to some type of remorse

i digress
repentance has always been to much to ask of you
too selfish to see beyond
fires of your words
do you know what its like?
hiding the shame of my bruises from my friends
hiding the shame of incompetence at work
hiding the shame from my other lover

so yeah,
maybe i was too harsh

FORTUNA

12.17.19
bending over backwards
head behind my spine
until my face hits the floor
this busted lip is as much
sadness and rage as
you throw at me
with the arm of someone
who doesn’t care who she burns

FORTUNA

10.8.19
losing you doesn’t scare me
this indifference scares me
our past, present, future is clumped up in some ball of hair i sweep off the floor
sticky on my feet
what once served a purpose now stands between me and the path i walk

the difference between you and i;
till death do us part doesn’t come with exceptions
may you find your happiness in your selfish
may your gluttony and greed always serve you
may you find someone who loves your double standards
wrap them in your convenience the way
you are wrapped in yourself

you’d think id be angry
but with your past in my in my future
i try to fit you somewhere in the present
like this poem
titled with your name
and becoming less and less about you everyday

no i didn’t forget about you
you carved your way out of me

FORTUNA

9.15.19
its a funny feeling
wanting so badly to stop loving somebody
and then the moment when you do –
can feel, at times, like the slaughter of nothing at all.
i don’t think the idea of loving you went away
it just got shoved under the bed
collecting cobwebs
forming into something that made a burning sensation in my chest go away.
you started a forest fire in my heart
and i thought the pain was worth the heat.

FORTUNA

9.10.19
if there is one thing i know
you brought summer to my heart the way he brings me spring
just how you love your winter
no one will ever be the four seasons
eventually
we spend too much time falling in the idea of this fullness
delusion detests the focus romance provides the veil for
we grew to think of it as some kind of magical home away from home
some lush forest filled with pies and almonds and puppies
none of whom were getting laid
we were stepping on land mines to this fantasy
some sick seesaw
where you want me – im hormones chastity belt
calling in monsoon season
your mouth between my legs
re-kindlings of lust long gone we are oatmeal skins you and i
we were magical

until lightning strikes

see, stab the body and it heals
stab the heart and it’ll beat the way a guitar sings by ripping off the strings
no longer electric in ecstasy
but how a dentists strikes a nerve
or scratching silveware on china
holding my hands over the ears of my heart to silence broken promises
or slicing reality – it keeps coming out poorly
and here it comes with conviction, almost panic.
mentally exonerating anyone who has kicked a chair out from beneath
if killing someone was on your bucket list
you can check it off a hundred times
feeding me one more drop of poison with each excuse
skinning me alive – putting on shapes for you body to fit into
theres no me to this skin left
there was foreshadowing to this – wearing my skin on your body

and yes, it was cheating. conscious, sober, knowing cheating.
fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating.
as if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand.
who came up with the term cheating, anyway?
a cheater i imagine.
someone who thought liar was too harsh.
someone who thought devastator was too emotional.
the same person who thought, oops, she’d gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
fuck you. this isnt about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of monopoly money.
these are our lives. our bodies. mine and yours and his.
you killed something
and you killed it when its back was turned

FORTUNA

8.16.19
we summoned shadows of that night back and this time
you had no choice but to see the truth
and as i went to hell, the devil asked me if it was worth it
no knowing how to answer
i made myself of all the love you no longer wanted
making love was never about
you me and a bed
we made love whenever we held hands

so congratulations
you took me down
now you have made everything that is sad, relevant
maybe you re right
maybe i don’t know you
there is cruelty in you that is foreign
it visits drunkenly taking its place at my table
slapping me with coldness and apathy
puts me in a box with guilt ribbons and locks it with disregard

i have no room to be angry here
but what if i told you
cold eyes are burned into my memory
chasing me away
to a different room
a different home
a different lover

one day you realize there are people you will never see again
at least not in the same way.



it was your kindness that killed the beast inside
when i fell in love with you – once upon a time.

10.12.17
FORTUNA
dawns in strange places
moringa leaves
and brazilian nuts
everything’s from africa.
good morning kisses and midnight cuddles make me curl away
when did arms become cages?
i miss everything i shouldn’t
we’re just a symptom of something sadder.

9/20/17
FORTUNA
you’re still a child
wanting to pet the wolf
“because you can”
tell me,
does the coat feel different from your carpet, rug, next-door mutt?
i bet you would
want to iron nature’s rug once it’s been tamed
the damage has already been done.