CIVIL WARS
11.15.19
it s hard to be happy for her
claiming she’s met a piece
of her soul
pitty
you cant find a missing piece
when you don’t see your own reflection in the mirror
not knowing how to be alone
talking of souls
i could tell you about it
holding me in disbelief when i say
i’ve felt the way blood flows in anothers body
seeing myself in the reflection of their eyes
touching what is pure and holly and
beyond human recognition
returning to my body
dazed and humbled at my own insignificance and grandure
what a fierceness in love
beyond you, or her, or me, or him
it is us
as individuals, together, and apart.
it sadness me. she will never know.
CIVIL WARS
11.16.19
a radio stuck on re-peat
im a selfless lover
going out of my way with needles in my head
in throws of pain
to make
birthday woes come true
she says he’s loud
never observes
i think on the lists he keeps
surprised by apple cider forget-me-knotts
and the many things i tell her
which she willingly ignores.
CIVIL WARS
1.6.19
stark contrast
he gives me apple cider
vinegar to kill excess cold
spoonfuls of medicine and literature
his curiosity nourishing fires of what makes me more human
yes, i’ll spend nights with you in bed
discussing hops, and burdock
laughing at specific indications, giggles and bubbles of heartfelt hawthorn
she’s taxing
grudgingly sipping down juice
there’s no backbone here
nothing steady
“i’ll move mountains” she says
while sitting steady in her own plateau
slowly amputating the passions in me
this is how it looks –
he’s been alone in his happiness
not lonely
he took the time to fill each cell in his body with himself
what happens when a person knows themselves
they are open for others
encourage their passions and truths – our love is pure
she doesn’t know how to be alone – and will likely never learn
unwilling to look in the mirror
she’ll jump on the next bus to anywhere
and it’ll be good – at first
but every person craves to find their own truth
she wont find it in anyone
and – as is now, will start to inflict herself in others
drowning the life off those she claims to love
i wouldn’t brag about not staying on the market too long
not when the fruit you buy is rotten inside
BOOT.S.TRAPS
1.4.19
learning how to walk again
small drops from a faucet
slowly filling at a life line
she’s exhausting
demanding comfort and attention
wanting to know “we” are okay
how can we –
i am not okay
this light you see in my eye is only some firefly
hardly breathing
there’s only so much i can give
HISTORY
1.2.19
feeling alien
not alien like you don’t belong here
alien like i was ripped from my bed in the dead of night in nothing but a scrubby night gown and no modesty
ripped from the inside to scratch out some life scar-tissue and replaced with incredulity and pain
alien like, waking up the next morning and not being able to look anyone in the eyes
like after so long, finally understanding what hardnened the women in my family
knowing it
and wanting desperately to un-know-it
seeing pitty in their eyes you poor monster tainted stained and othered
like everything should be fine now, right?
there’s pain in here
bits of yourself sharp like shards beneath a microscope slide
cutting at your insides
imagine, stepping on glass from within
there’s nothing poetic about this
it’s messy, and ugly
its shameful, humiliating, heartbreaking
sterile until it isn’t
covered in blood and mucus and tears and
back on earth
a little less human
a little more other
SNAKE.S.KIN
10.26.27
never complain you haven’t been given things to say –
the world will destroy itself and you will drown in the words you didn’t think you had.
he’s too loud
too abrasive too imposing
lower your voice please
she s too selfish
too self centered
too greedy
i cant forgive that
some fire in my belly drawing rage circles in my iris
i cant possibly hate everyone
i havent even met most of them yet
BOTANICA
10.19.19
mullein it over
again and again does nothing for the trajectory of a capricious wind
sending the flames this way and that
stinking the necks of warm hands
at the risk of drowning in smoke
like it can’t make up its mind
nor should it
how sad for the dandelion
if it could only move in one direction
SNAKE-S-KIN
10.15.19
disconnection from the body
exploring the new spaces within me
sluggish and invaded
what felt like a universe in my belly
now feels like the parasite that engorges
enlarges
breaking out into fits of apathy
trying to love what is temporary
an extra belly filled with
unwanted cravings
nothing fits like it did before
not the clothes holding me together
the image in the mirror
his hand on mine
HISTORY
10.12.19
you celebrate 30 years of life
and im still tittering on the edge of a universe
unsure if im willing to sacrifice
my own for theirs
somehow the pleasure
of treating each other well
has become gestation fuel
to believe in a future
and demand it.
the body is a non-negotiable place to learn.
FORTUNA
10.8.19
losing you doesn’t scare me
this indifference scares me
our past, present, future is clumped up in some ball of hair i sweep off the floor
sticky on my feet
what once served a purpose now stands between me and the path i walk
the difference between you and i;
till death do us part doesn’t come with exceptions
may you find your happiness in your selfish
may your gluttony and greed always serve you
may you find someone who loves your double standards
wrap them in your convenience the way
you are wrapped in yourself
you’d think id be angry
but with your past in my in my future
i try to fit you somewhere in the present
like this poem
titled with your name
and becoming less and less about you everyday
no i didn’t forget about you
you carved your way out of me